Isolation

"There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated."

Last Day I attended Church was June 10th. 

Last Day I attended a Destino meeting was June 4th. 

Last Day I attended Summer School was June 8th.

Last Day I showed up at work was June 16th.
Last Day I went to Crossfit was April 23rd. 

I don't know why I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't go anywhere because I simply didn't want to go. I didn't want to be around anyone who doesn't care to know me. I wanted to be by myself because I can sit down and write until I figure out who I am. 

I didn't go camping with my sister. I didn't go to Schilitterbahn with my other sister. I didn't go to my nephew's baseball tournament in Houston. I wanted to be home reading, writing or watching netflix. 

This weekend I decided I would force myself to go with my family to a Quinceanera. It didn't feel like the traditional Quince... They had a piece of turkey with ham, a tiny sour bread roll and pasta; to drink, they poured pink lemonade. They had some wack hip-hop group for entertainment. So that sucked. Afterwards, my sister invited me to go bowling with her co-workers. I did horrible against my drunk competition. I just wanted to come home.

Sunday night I bumped in with my campus ministry leader outside of H-E-B and the guilt I have inside for blocking messages, deleting Facebook and not showing up to the outreach meeting I arranged in May, began to vomit promises and commitments.

On Monday, I skipped school and Destino just to be alone at my house.

On Tuesday, I forced myself to come to school. I was outside of the Communication's lab reading Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground when an old friend hissed at me and I blew her off because I was reading... but (thankfully) she came and kicked my foot and as expected, she called me out on skipping church and skipping Destino but I didn't lie; I confessed that I just didn't feel like going but I was going to force myself and go next Monday. Then, she informs me that we were going to be meeting every day this week and yet again, I commit to go.

"I'll go if you go. You picking me up!?"
"Yes," I replied to her.

Afterwards, I met up with another friend at the UTPA chapel. She asked me why I haven't gone to Destino, Church or school and what's going on because there has to be something gnawing at me inside something that provokes laziness, rebellion and isolation... and I replied... I don't know... because I honestly don't.

It was 6:50 when my friend reminds me about the promise... if I was on my way to pick her up. I went to Destino Tuesday Night. Man, an apologetics film spoke to me... it spoke about selfishness! I forgot that I can no longer do what I want to do. I know what I'm called to do and I know who I'm called to be and for that I am so sorry. As I sat in the back watching the film I looked around to see everyone. I looked and saw the faces that are willing to open up with me it was then when I was sorry for abandoning them. I'm sorry for being ungrateful for the group and to the group that has blessed me with truth for three years. I admitted to everyone that I was forced to be there but this group is great there was popcorn flying out of the butter with comments like "I frequently feel like not coming either" and "I don't feel like coming a lot of the times but everything changes once I'm out of the house." 

After the meeting I wanted to go home but one of the guys said, "Worship at Bill Schupp!"

While we shifted some items from my car to another's, I spoke to our staff member. He said to me, "There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated." I smiled while looking at my car's tires... and he is right. And I tried looking for every reason I've already written down and spitting them out so quickly that some of my "reasons" or excuses for avoiding everyone were fumbling out of our conversations. I said that I was angry at myself for always straying. I said that perhaps the reason why is because I feel like I haven't really connected with anyone, that the only one I connected with from the group on a real level was the only person who showed any interest in spending time with me and she went home to Robstown and left me here... friendless. I have no reason to come anymore because I haven't shared anything with anyone else because I would be giving them power.

He shared a scenario where he had to be vulnerable because he loves this person that much... and he was  right... I do love this group, I just don't want to be vulnerable with them (what a contradiction!)

On our way home, my friend asked that she didn't know who the person that was driving the car was. She said she remembers a guy that is full of joy... a guy that was the most committed of the group that was so reliable and always giving. I said I've been angry at myself because I remember who I was... and I hate myself because I don't want it. I don't like that there isn't any passion in the things that I do for Christ and asked what was the point of doing things if I was going to be doing them with an attitude that is full of misery. She reminded me that we aren't called to sit on our asses and do nothing either. She reminded me of that great love that sacrificed Himself, she said as a believer, the name Jesus will cure the deepest depression.. and I felt so much steam of angst and stress leave when I whispered the name, "Jesus" while she continued to talk.


As she leaves my car, I insert the CD my staff leader loan me. When I was driving in the comfort of my loneliness, I began to sob... it was random... I don't know why I felt like crying. Crying felt weird... I began praying while the CD began to work. It was John Piper sharing stories of stage fright. Then I began to laugh when he said he began hyperventilating when he had to take a communications class.


When I got home I struggled to sleep... I was replaying everything in my mind... analyzing everything...

Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.