Thursday, December 27, 2012


This week has been full of reasons to celebrate.
This past weekend was cool. I went to two white elephant parties... gifts were cool... but I enjoyed being out of my house well, I enjoyed being around people - I like being at my house. Church was cool as well. I spent Christmas Eve with my family. My nephew had a pellet gun and I made a target made out of a Little Caesar's cardboard box so we could have something to shoot at. Tony didn't hit the target, but he made holes on the pizza box. Glenda kept hitting things that made the pellets come back at our direction. Paulina was spot on. I was a little rusty. I hit every target we shot at but not as precise as Paulina. All those afternoons we spent with family friend, Don Andres growing up, paid off for Paulina and I.
Don Andres would spend about an hour in the afternoons at my house or his son's, who lived on the lot behind our house. When we would get off the school bus we would look to see if his 80's blue Ford F-150 was there so we could go over and ask him for a dollar. Well, Glenda and Paulina asked him, I would go to accept the buck but never asked for it. While he fed his chickens, the three of us would make human pyramids out of each other to grab mora's off the blackberry tree. With our mora stained hands, Don Andres would give us his gun and direct us. The targets then were pesty birds that would come near to eat the chicken's food.
During the day, my mom made us stuff our tamales because she was going to make basic ones only. That was christmas eve for us. Oh, and some karaoke which was a total fail. I had a singoff with my brotherinlaw - Puddle of Mudd. Song = slayed. Machine messed up the speakers... a microphone broke... it didn't last very long.
When school finished... I tried to get on the ball... spiritually... trying to impress God, or something... trying to memorize scripture and all the dumb stuff most christians do... but I came to the conclusion that head knowledge isn't worth much if it isn't heartfelt.
Wait... not that memorizing scripture is dumb... I should rephrase that sentence because that's not what I'm trying to say... memorizing scripture is great - we need to memorize scripture but that's another subject... Head knowledge is head knowledge... if we don't have humility - we're useless.
While reading all these books and what not - I listened to a worship song... that was simple. It thanked Jesus for carrying our cross. "Jesus, I thank You for, all that You've done for me. Worthy is the lamb who was slain. Worthy is the King who conquered the grave." I've heard the verse in so many songs... but it never impacted me like it did.
I took a step back from everything because man, its so beautiful and powerful! God gave us His son... He knew His will... Jesus Christ's life all for us.
I'm in awe of so many basic "fundamentals" of Christianity and I want to remain in awe forever.
I hate cliche's but words can't do some things justice... God giving us his son is something I never fully grasped... or can explain... I don't understand it fully - till this day... but I know I'm in awe of it and I know that being in awe of God's grace, his son, his gift is all I felt on Christmas day.
I didn't get a materialistic gift all day or the day before and I didn't care because God gave me Jesus. At about 11 pm on Tuesday, Glenda walked in to my cave and gave me 20 $ for Barnes and Noble. She's so nice - she gives me so much all year long... I thought it was super random cause I know she loves me... and I don't need any gift to solidify that love... I know some people feel like they have to... cause it's a legit way of expressing yourself, so i'll take it. :)
Wednesday was Wednesday. It was a blur. (FULL OF SLEEP.) ::ashamed::
Thursday. Today. My mom's birthday! weeeeee.  I love my momma. I think I inherited a lot of things from her... one of those things is having good judgement or discernment.
My nephews were here. When the sun was shinin'  charly and I played dodgeball against tony (only we used footballs) Paulina then got me right on the side of my face that made my ear super red and my mom laugh. v____v

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
- Leo Tolstoy
A sudden story is "Jesus wept" in long form.
-I can't remember.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I don't need you.
I need to cook.
I need to read.
I need to write.
I need to edit.
I need to breathe.
I need to sleep.
I need to exercise.
I need to smile.
I need to hug.
I need to give.
I need to protect.
I need to obey.
I need to listen.
I need to make time.
I need to forgive.
I need to sacrifice.
I don't need a tablet.
I don't need a new laptop.
I don't need an HDTV.


Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 3.2
I will
Pray. Run.
Cook. Pray. Eat. 
Pray. Read. Listen. Write.


He destined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace which he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us. For he has made known to us in all wisdom and insight the mystery of his will, according to his purpose which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fulness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him, according to the purpose of Him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will, we who first hoped in Christ have been destined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory.
Ephesians 1:5-12 
The end of the world or not
I should live with the same urgency to
In a loud voice they sang: "Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!"
Revelation 5.12
My nieces are sick.
My outdoor cats are being killed by blood suckers.
I returned my tablet for a refund to get them some poison.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Servin' Soldiers

Who is He that makes me happy? Who is He that gives me peace?
Who is He that brings me comfort, turns the bitter into sweet?
All of life is far more boring than words could ever say. Our eyes and our ears are never satisfied with what we see and hear.
Ecclesiastes 1 : 8
 What do we gain by all of our hard work?  I have seen what difficult things God demands of us. God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. I know the best thing we can do is to always enjoy life, because God’s gift to us is the happiness we get from our food and drink and from the work we do.  Everything God has done will last forever; nothing he does can ever be changed. God has done all this, so that we will worship him.
Ecclesiastes 3 : 9 - 14
Tuesday Morning
When I hung out with my friend John yesterday, he told me about a food drive that was going on today and he wanted to volunteer. So this morning, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. to eat my mom's tacos de papa a la Mejicana... they was so good. I took a bath because Shiloh jumped off my bed when my mom was yelling, "SE TE VAN A ENFRIAR!"

I drove in.

Got a name tag, time sheet and watched a 10 minute video.

Packed boxes with about five others and a classroom full of Middle School kids. We clocked out at 12:00. We went to Subway then went to the Salvation Army. My favorite part of the day.

We entered the old Fashion Bug store that had black plastic bags on the windows. Inside were tables with a few Salvation Army reps and a few volunteers, behind them were loads of gifts and the RGV Vipers basketball team. So, they were extra loaded.



When we grabbed the black plastic bags, one of amazonian dudes had their Hulk hands waiting for them. I wandered off and asked a lady named Sandra if she needed help with anything. She said, "yes, some bags are missing clothing... check them and mark them off." So John and I left the 200 aisle and started packing bags with extra gifts. Let me tell you, if I filled up your bag, I made sure every kid didn't feel less than... especially if one of their brothers got a bike.

"I'm going shopping for Alexandria." - Sandra

The white sheets had the names of the kids, their sex/age, a Gift section and a Need section. Hope 5 year old Alberto enjoys running in his Nikes.

After checking the bags, we started helping out with checkout. At first, I felt like the parents looked a bit unhappy... a bit entitled to the gifts. Their faces had no emotions.

"They've been waiting in line for a while." - John

When we helped the parents with the bicycles, I asked them how they were going to hide their bicycles. They would smile, look at me with sun squinted eyes and say, "si! aver donde! si no las ponchan antes de navidad!" I laughed and would say, "que dios los bendiga" I tried to do that with everyone.

Serving felt good. The soreness will be worth the smiles of those kids.

Tuesday Night : Pan Dulce with coffee and Lost on Netflix.

Jacob reading Flannery!
Wednesday : God day.

Monday, December 17, 2012


Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
John 16 : 20 - 22
Monday Morning.
I felt like an adult. It was the first time I entered a courthouse with out one of my parents. It wasn't over truancy... or fighting. I looked presentable. I fell asleep and ultimately got up and told the judge, that sang the national anthem, I was a student. He signed my badge.
Tiny kids were at this book sale. They looked unsafe. I wanted to be their body guard. I didn't want to look like a creeper. So I immediately jumped over their tiny feet that were on their Houston Rockets posters. I reminisced about elementary at Cano Gonzalez (which was right across the street from this warehouse) and the book fairs with Ms. Ruiz, the librarian, who didn't like the sexual Shaggy song I sang outloud. I remember the David Robinson poster my dad got me. I remember being the only student in the whole school to order from scholastics one time - it was a Harry-Potter potion kit. I remeber not completing the fifteen dollar minimum for Scholastics to deliver.  I waited one long month and all I got was an envelope with my money.
Barnes & Noble
I really liked these books. I started reading Heaven by Alcorn. I want it.
Great. I passed. One more semester.
Tomorrow shall be fun. Joining the Army. The Salvation Army! Woot.


Jacking my style isn't flattering. It’s annoying.


Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven’
Matthew 18:21,22
Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin.
Job 14:16
Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
Isaiah 38:17
I was thinking about myself all weekend. Life of a writer, I guess. Well, no, life of a sinner. I was thinking about how I still go around counting the times I've been screwed over... or been let down. How many times have I let God down? It's always the same. There's probably about ten other blogs just like this one.

Sunday Morning.

It's so easy to turn off the T.V.
To shut everything off...
Avoid everyone and cowardly blindfold myself from a world that’s hurting.
I didn't want to feel anything this weekend.

I wanted everything about the Connecticut tragedy to go away. I didn’t want to be sad. I did not look up anything other than click on the "prayfornewtown" hashtag on twitter. Friday night I was on my way to a bible study when the dude on 96.9 reported, “The gunman in Newtown, Connecticut killed twenty children and six adults before taking his own life – bringing the death count to twenty-seven.”

I drove up to my friend’s house to give her a ride and that’s all that was on her mind.

I expected to talk about it at bible study but we didn’t. We were in OUR world.

Sunday morning I entered church. My pastor said, “We need to mourn with the families in Newtown. We need to have a heart for people that are hurting. We need stop being legalistic and just listen and grieve with those in Connecticut – I wouldn’t know what to tell them. I wouldn’t tell them to rejoice. I wouldn’t say anything... just listen.” He painted a picture of the kids – the kids that I was so easily annoyed by last year when I tried to serve in children’s ministry – being taken away. Kids being dropped off at school, being hugged and kissed on the forehead before they went to school – kids grabbing their little lunch bags before getting on the American yellow bus in Connecticut – and not coming back. Imagine. Dang. Just imagine. I thought about my nephews.
“Pick me up after tutoring, tio.” -Tony, 7
“Me levantas… llevame con Grandma.” -Emily, 6
No way.
A lot of things need to change. Not just American law.
Internally. I didn't want to feel for anyone other than myself all week. I hate that I am so selfish and demanding with prayer. I want to have an honest grieving heart for people. I want to consider others before myself. I want to get out of my house and just listen. I am ashamed.

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
 Philippians 2:3
Sunday Night : Pitch Perfect
Jury duty tomorrow. Oh, snaps. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

lingering issues

Come into my darkness where I hide
Pull me into Your arms, Your arms of peace
Reach in past my hiding, reach out to my running
Oh Lord, come fill my soul with Your love
I tried to stop writing. I started to run away but God grabbed me by the scruff! Thanks for the speed bump I ran into, God. You're pretty funny sometimes. 
Guide me.
I was running so fast last week, away from everyone who has brought light into my life when suddenly there was a barricade that made me come to a stop. Well, it was a phone call, "can you share a little bit of your story tonight"
Hold up, tonight? You ask me on the night I planned to stay home to talk at a meeting? Seriously, dude?
I hesitated and said, "ah, I don't know..."
"I'm just trying to push you out of your comf..."
"yeh... yeah, I'll do it," I said.
I came home and took a couple of notes down. I revisited some of my posts about being alone... and I laughed that I was about to revisit an issue I thought was in my past.
I'm not done telling people about anything.
I'm meant to share.
I can't wait to get personal during the holidays.

Monday, December 10, 2012


every scab is healed.
songs, flashes of them . on.

it ended. all ended. fucking ended.
venomous wax drizzled on every emotion.

fitting in. never.
alone. phased and alone.
torn crinkled foil. mistreated.

life, come.
end it all.

scabs. open.