I was really irritated by her intrusion. Not because she was walking in on my time with God or anything like that... I just feel like every time I take one step forward into trying to get out of this stupid pit full of shame and denial, one of my family members does something to hinder my productivity. I want them to be considerate but where's my consideration for my parents?
Why do I become so aggressive and hostile when they need a favor? I hate when my dad asks me to cook something for him because I feel like he has the capability of cooking for himself and besides, he never cooked for me as a kid!
I'm such a jerk.
I want them to understand. I think a solution for this is to have study hours regularly like say 7 am - 9 am and tell them, "this is my time with God so don't bug me," but while I'm doing other things like reading a book or writing my novel, "Eastern Caracals," I can put that aside no matter what and be sacrificial with my time to serve them lovingly. Bible study reminded me of that... it reminded me of what Jesus did despite being LORD!
Who am I? What's wrong with me! I set so many standards when I know that I am not entitled to anything! I need to stop being such a spoiled and arrogant child who wants everyone to be fair and catering to his needs.
you're a great guy, don't be so hard on yourself. this is something we all learn as we grow up; we ALL do at some point, realize things about our family. I feel like I'm still learning about all my sucky ways with my family & they seem never- ending, even though I've moved out 2 years now & see them not super often. but at least it's in your heart to love them & serve them better, and I'm sure God is pleased by that & will help you. chin up, boy. you know it's been my prayer this summer to have more happiness & less anger problems..kinda dealing with the same things. let's pray for each other bro. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nat! :')
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