all i ever do is think.
i over think and over analyze.
is everyone like that.
or is it just me.
is it an issue.
it feels like one, or at least it has for the past hour or so, because my analytical brain becomes overwhelmed when a lot of things are happening. i lose myself. my personality becomes blank and boring in hectic environments.
maybe this is a unique condition.
if i lived in old testament times i think i would be called to go out and live in the desert. i constantly feel like i lose a sense of who i am. i don't like feeling like that - lost. i feel like a boy going through puberty. i've talked about wanting to be older and wiser just to know who i am, and stop rambling and be certain of who i am. to actually have meaningful words to write. i think that is a characteristic of older folk. i've never read anything by an older writer pathetically trying to figure out who they are. i think the best writing and art come from old people.
fake it till you make it... yes! that's what i was going to scribble about today.
WOMBOLOGY... The study of WOMBO! It's first grade, SpongeBob.
I've been thinking about how hard Christian's are on themselves... I think a lot of Christian's don't get affirming words like, "good job" or, "keep it up." I think it's a real humbling thing that goes around some Christian communities but I think that if they (or WE) did build up a little more confidence.. and knew how useful they are... the world would be a lot different.
I think it's import to remember what every children's book tells us, that through Christ, we are the hope and the light of this world.
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
I finished listening to the John Piper CD. I liked that he said that American's always ask, "Are my children safe?" when we should be in the darkest of places shining truth. Man, I needa' wake up and stop complaining about not being able to read comfortably because my parents come in to ask a favor. Instead, I need to be grateful that it aint' someone putting a gun to my head for reading my bible.
The Truth Project film I saw Friday night at Destino was also about American perceptions. In High School, I had the biggest pessimist Government teacher. He had absolutely no hope for America, or so he said... that and taking the other U.S. History classes where we are taught about fighting savages and being an "overbearing" country made me not give two cents about my country. However, the video taught about the founding fathers, the constitution and how it all was clear about making anyone who had power know they are in no shape bigger than God...
On Wednesday morning I woke up and sat on my bed with my extra large font bible on my lap and my laptop open writing away when my mom came into my room and showed me what she had boughten to resell at the flea-market and began chatting away about the overpriced hair clips her "vecina" sells.
I was really irritated by her intrusion. Not because she was walking in on my time with God or anything like that... I just feel like every time I take one step forward into trying to get out of this stupid pit full of shame and denial, one of my family members does something to hinder my productivity. I want them to be considerate but where's my consideration for my parents?
Why do I become so aggressive and hostile when they need a favor? I hate when my dad asks me to cook something for him because I feel like he has the capability of cooking for himself and besides, he never cooked for me as a kid!
I'm such a jerk.
I want them to understand. I think a solution for this is to have study hours regularly like say 7 am - 9 am and tell them, "this is my time with God so don't bug me," but while I'm doing other things like reading a book or writing my novel, "Eastern Caracals," I can put that aside no matter what and be sacrificial with my time to serve them lovingly. Bible study reminded me of that... it reminded me of what Jesus did despite being LORD!
Who am I? What's wrong with me! I set so many standards when I know that I am not entitled to anything! I need to stop being such a spoiled and arrogant child who wants everyone to be fair and catering to his needs.
"There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated."
Last Day I attended Church was June 10th.
Last Day I attended a Destino meeting was June 4th.
Last Day I attended Summer School was June 8th.
Last Day I showed up at work was June 16th.
Last Day I went to Crossfit was April 23rd.
I don't know why I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't go anywhere because I simply didn't want to go. I didn't want to be around anyone who doesn't care to know me. I wanted to be by myself because I can sit down and write until I figure out who I am.
I didn't go camping with my sister. I didn't go to Schilitterbahn with my other sister. I didn't go to my nephew's baseball tournament in Houston. I wanted to be home reading, writing or watching netflix.
This weekend I decided I would force myself to go with my family to a Quinceanera. It didn't feel like the traditional Quince... They had a piece of turkey with ham, a tiny sour bread roll and pasta; to drink, they poured pink lemonade. They had some wack hip-hop group for entertainment. So that sucked. Afterwards, my sister invited me to go bowling with her co-workers. I did horrible against my drunk competition. I just wanted to come home.
Sunday night I bumped in with my campus ministry leader outside of H-E-B and the guilt I have inside for blocking messages, deleting Facebook and not showing up to the outreach meeting I arranged in May, began to vomit promises and commitments.
On Monday, I skipped school and Destino just to be alone at my house.
On Tuesday, I forced myself to come to school. I was outside of the Communication's lab reading Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground when an old friend hissed at me and I blew her off because I was reading... but (thankfully) she came and kicked my foot and as expected, she called me out on skipping church and skipping Destino but I didn't lie; I confessed that I just didn't feel like going but I was going to force myself and go next Monday. Then, she informs me that we were going to be meeting every day this week and yet again, I commit to go.
"I'll go if you go. You picking me up!?"
"Yes," I replied to her.
Afterwards, I met up with another friend at the UTPA chapel. She asked me why I haven't gone to Destino, Church or school and what's going on because there has to be something gnawing at me inside something that provokes laziness, rebellion and isolation... and I replied... I don't know... because I honestly don't.
It was 6:50 when my friend reminds me about the promise... if I was on my way to pick her up. I went to Destino Tuesday Night. Man, an apologetics film spoke to me... it spoke about selfishness! I forgot that I can no longer do what I want to do. I know what I'm called to do and I know who I'm called to be and for that I am so sorry. As I sat in the back watching the film I looked around to see everyone. I looked and saw the faces that are willing to open up with me it was then when I was sorry for abandoning them. I'm sorry for being ungrateful for the group and to the group that has blessed me with truth for three years. I admitted to everyone that I was forced to be there but this group is great there was popcorn flying out of the butter with comments like "I frequently feel like not coming either" and "I don't feel like coming a lot of the times but everything changes once I'm out of the house."
After the meeting I wanted to go home but one of the guys said, "Worship at Bill Schupp!"
While we shifted some items from my car to another's, I spoke to our staff member. He said to me, "There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated." I smiled while looking at my car's tires... and he is right. And I tried looking for every reason I've already written down and spitting them out so quickly that some of my "reasons" or excuses for avoiding everyone were fumbling out of our conversations. I said that I was angry at myself for always straying. I said that perhaps the reason why is because I feel like I haven't really connected with anyone, that the only one I connected with from the group on a real level was the only person who showed any interest in spending time with me and she went home to Robstown and left me here... friendless. I have no reason to come anymore because I haven't shared anything with anyone else because I would be giving them power.
He shared a scenario where he had to be vulnerable because he loves this person that much... and he was right... I do love this group, I just don't want to be vulnerable with them (what a contradiction!)
On our way home, my friend asked that she didn't know who the person that was driving the car was. She said she remembers a guy that is full of joy... a guy that was the most committed of the group that was so reliable and always giving. I said I've been angry at myself because I remember who I was... and I hate myself because I don't want it. I don't like that there isn't any passion in the things that I do for Christ and asked what was the point of doing things if I was going to be doing them with an attitude that is full of misery. She reminded me that we aren't called to sit on our asses and do nothing either. She reminded me of that great love that sacrificed Himself, she said as a believer, the name Jesus will cure the deepest depression.. and I felt so much steam of angst and stress leave when I whispered the name, "Jesus" while she continued to talk.
As she leaves my car, I insert the CD my staff leader loan me. When I was driving in the comfort of my loneliness, I began to sob... it was random... I don't know why I felt like crying. Crying felt weird... I began praying while the CD began to work. It was John Piper sharing stories of stage fright. Then I began to laugh when he said he began hyperventilating when he had to take a communications class.
When I got home I struggled to sleep... I was replaying everything in my mind... analyzing everything...
Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
I skipped school after I promised myself I would go. Even after waking up at 4:30 am.
I was painting!
I went over my house's living room and kitchen again. On Saturday morning, my sister and I spontaneously decided to do a house makeover. We started with painting our boring white walls.
We didn't tell mom or dad because we knew they would disagree with our choice of colors. We got that deep red and dark gray. That red has been a little nipple twister. I APPLIED THE FOURTH COATING TODAY!
I also made mom ditch a Television that looks like an ancient time traveling machine (I have one in my room) but she's had a brand new flat screen since February resting in the box my sister got it in... She was too comfortable with her TV stand that is bigger than our whole living room.
She gave me the following excuse when I asked her to get rid of it last night:
Today is Monday and the fourth week of Summer School. That means there's been 15 class days and I attended the first 5 days (4 cause professor Williamson was in Paris) and the Friday of the second week which was 5 minutes long.
I'm going this week though.
I haven't read much. I've read a chapter of Notes from Underground.
He grabbed her neck like mom would get Mischief before he was dipped into his bathtub filled with cat soap.
Only a coward...
Now, I would suck at any sort of counseling dealing with abuse because the emotion that is boldest is anger. I think that digging into the psychology of the abuser is a damn excuse for the damn coward.
6/23/12
There is no excuse to fight.
I think that domestic abuse is such a disgusting thing. Whether it is physical or not.
I don't understand many things about abuse but one thing I know is that it is wrong and if anyone has witnessed their sisters, their nephews, their children being abused or abusing someone, you MUST help them.
I'm telling you first hand, if I witness my dad hit my mom, my dad would be behind bars in a damn millisecond.
If I ever see my brother hit his wife, after he gets an ass beating from me, he too will find himself behind bars.
If I know that my sisters are ever hurt by their husbands... and my nephews witnessed their dad beat their mom, I will call the cops and CPS myself.
There is no excuse for fighting. Women shouldn't fight with their husbands or lay their hands on them either.
They should treat one another with respect.
If someone doesn't know how to appropriately handle their anger, they are not ready for a relationship... and are most definitely not ready for children.
