Isolation

"There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated."

Last Day I attended Church was June 10th. 

Last Day I attended a Destino meeting was June 4th. 

Last Day I attended Summer School was June 8th.

Last Day I showed up at work was June 16th.
Last Day I went to Crossfit was April 23rd. 

I don't know why I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't go anywhere because I simply didn't want to go. I didn't want to be around anyone who doesn't care to know me. I wanted to be by myself because I can sit down and write until I figure out who I am. 

I didn't go camping with my sister. I didn't go to Schilitterbahn with my other sister. I didn't go to my nephew's baseball tournament in Houston. I wanted to be home reading, writing or watching netflix. 

This weekend I decided I would force myself to go with my family to a Quinceanera. It didn't feel like the traditional Quince... They had a piece of turkey with ham, a tiny sour bread roll and pasta; to drink, they poured pink lemonade. They had some wack hip-hop group for entertainment. So that sucked. Afterwards, my sister invited me to go bowling with her co-workers. I did horrible against my drunk competition. I just wanted to come home.

Sunday night I bumped in with my campus ministry leader outside of H-E-B and the guilt I have inside for blocking messages, deleting Facebook and not showing up to the outreach meeting I arranged in May, began to vomit promises and commitments.

On Monday, I skipped school and Destino just to be alone at my house.

On Tuesday, I forced myself to come to school. I was outside of the Communication's lab reading Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground when an old friend hissed at me and I blew her off because I was reading... but (thankfully) she came and kicked my foot and as expected, she called me out on skipping church and skipping Destino but I didn't lie; I confessed that I just didn't feel like going but I was going to force myself and go next Monday. Then, she informs me that we were going to be meeting every day this week and yet again, I commit to go.

"I'll go if you go. You picking me up!?"
"Yes," I replied to her.

Afterwards, I met up with another friend at the UTPA chapel. She asked me why I haven't gone to Destino, Church or school and what's going on because there has to be something gnawing at me inside something that provokes laziness, rebellion and isolation... and I replied... I don't know... because I honestly don't.

It was 6:50 when my friend reminds me about the promise... if I was on my way to pick her up. I went to Destino Tuesday Night. Man, an apologetics film spoke to me... it spoke about selfishness! I forgot that I can no longer do what I want to do. I know what I'm called to do and I know who I'm called to be and for that I am so sorry. As I sat in the back watching the film I looked around to see everyone. I looked and saw the faces that are willing to open up with me it was then when I was sorry for abandoning them. I'm sorry for being ungrateful for the group and to the group that has blessed me with truth for three years. I admitted to everyone that I was forced to be there but this group is great there was popcorn flying out of the butter with comments like "I frequently feel like not coming either" and "I don't feel like coming a lot of the times but everything changes once I'm out of the house." 

After the meeting I wanted to go home but one of the guys said, "Worship at Bill Schupp!"

While we shifted some items from my car to another's, I spoke to our staff member. He said to me, "There's good in being an introvert but you need to draw the line when you become isolated." I smiled while looking at my car's tires... and he is right. And I tried looking for every reason I've already written down and spitting them out so quickly that some of my "reasons" or excuses for avoiding everyone were fumbling out of our conversations. I said that I was angry at myself for always straying. I said that perhaps the reason why is because I feel like I haven't really connected with anyone, that the only one I connected with from the group on a real level was the only person who showed any interest in spending time with me and she went home to Robstown and left me here... friendless. I have no reason to come anymore because I haven't shared anything with anyone else because I would be giving them power.

He shared a scenario where he had to be vulnerable because he loves this person that much... and he was  right... I do love this group, I just don't want to be vulnerable with them (what a contradiction!)

On our way home, my friend asked that she didn't know who the person that was driving the car was. She said she remembers a guy that is full of joy... a guy that was the most committed of the group that was so reliable and always giving. I said I've been angry at myself because I remember who I was... and I hate myself because I don't want it. I don't like that there isn't any passion in the things that I do for Christ and asked what was the point of doing things if I was going to be doing them with an attitude that is full of misery. She reminded me that we aren't called to sit on our asses and do nothing either. She reminded me of that great love that sacrificed Himself, she said as a believer, the name Jesus will cure the deepest depression.. and I felt so much steam of angst and stress leave when I whispered the name, "Jesus" while she continued to talk.


As she leaves my car, I insert the CD my staff leader loan me. When I was driving in the comfort of my loneliness, I began to sob... it was random... I don't know why I felt like crying. Crying felt weird... I began praying while the CD began to work. It was John Piper sharing stories of stage fright. Then I began to laugh when he said he began hyperventilating when he had to take a communications class.


When I got home I struggled to sleep... I was replaying everything in my mind... analyzing everything...

Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Burgundy

OR To Die For Red? 


I skipped school after I promised myself I would go. Even after waking up at 4:30 am.

I was painting!

I went over my house's living room and kitchen again. On Saturday morning, my sister and I spontaneously decided to do a house makeover. We started with painting our boring white walls.

We didn't tell mom or dad because we knew they would disagree with our choice of colors. We got that deep red and dark gray. That red has been a little nipple twister. I APPLIED THE FOURTH COATING TODAY! 

I also made mom ditch a Television that looks like an ancient time traveling machine (I have one in my room)  but she's had a brand new flat screen since February resting in the box my sister got it in... She was too comfortable with her TV stand that is bigger than our whole living room. 

She gave me the following excuse when I asked her to get rid of it last night:

"Ay no! No voy a ver la novela manana!"

Skipper

Today is Monday and the fourth week of Summer School. That means there's been 15 class days and I attended the first 5 days (4 cause professor Williamson was in Paris) and the Friday of the second week which was 5 minutes long.

I'm going this week though.

I haven't read much. I've read a chapter of Notes from Underground.

wife beater

6/21/12

He grabbed her neck like mom would get Mischief before he was dipped into his bathtub filled with cat soap.

Only a coward...

Now, I would suck at any sort of counseling dealing with abuse because the emotion that is boldest is anger. I think that digging into the psychology of the abuser is a damn excuse for the damn coward. 

6/23/12

There is no excuse to fight.

I think that domestic abuse is such a disgusting thing. Whether it is physical or not.

I don't understand many things about abuse but one thing I know is that it is wrong and if anyone has witnessed their sisters, their nephews, their children being abused or abusing someone, you MUST help them.

I'm telling you first hand, if I witness my dad hit my mom, my dad would be behind bars in a damn millisecond.
If I ever see my brother hit his wife, after he gets an ass beating from me, he too will find himself behind bars.
If I know that my sisters are ever hurt by their husbands... and my nephews witnessed their dad beat their mom, I will call the cops and CPS myself.

There is no excuse for fighting. Women shouldn't fight with their husbands or lay their hands on them either. 

They should treat one another with respect. 

If someone doesn't know how to appropriately handle their anger, they are not ready for a relationship... and are most definitely not ready for children.

mormons

These two tall blonde white guys along with a short Mexican guy rode their bikes and decided to stop in front of my yard.

Our conversation went no where after they said they were going to unite my family... that they were the answer to my prayers. They told me to have faith that God had personally sent them to my house... I believed that though... no question that God had me sitting outside the same minute these three fellows came strollin', however, these guys were confident that they were going to solve every problem my family has so what I told them was... 

Stupid smirks... my stank eyes.. It irritated me so much man and i'm mad about it... i'm mad that i couldn't reflect jesus in speach. I was angry that they talked to me like I was foolish for following "dead" Jesus. i wasn't intimidated though. i'm happy for dr. grant's theology class. 

one thing i can learn from this is whenever I evangelize i need to talk to people like we are equal... because we are. even writing about these "mormons" i called them fools several times but they aren't fools... they're my brothers.

NO LA ENTIENDO

Grace... Grace sure is beautiful. We don't understand her because Grace is so pure... she is innocent... naive to anything outside of herself. We don't deserve her... but that's what she is, isn't she?

A gift that NO ONE deserves from God. 

A gift to deadbeats, wife beaters, murderers, cannibals, sex addicts, drug addicts...

Dia De Los Padres

I worked Friday & Saturday of Father's Day weekend and man was it a different experience from Mother's Day weekend. It is almost as if there isn't any fathers in the valley.  

I am not an expert in any of these issues, but lacking a father figure is a factor in: gang violence, lack of education (school drop out), teen parenting and addiction. 

Dads around the valley should be appreciated for being examples. 

I am grateful for my dad. I think many situations about my upbringing are unclear but I thank God for allowing me to have an Earthly father. I can't imagine having anyone else as a dad. He allowed me to do things that i'm sure many others wouldn't have; he let me express myself to the extreme when I was in High School and Junior High. His friends and my cousins looked at him oddly when they saw me. 

Anyone who's known me long enough knows what I'm talking about. I'm not ashamed of any of it. I had major guts. I genuinely didn't care about anyone or anything. I miss that. In school, what made me happy was solitude. I've never had many close friends and that is why my family is such an important variable to my character. 

I've touched on some of the issues I have with my dad but its all b.s. because we all have faults and I've been a worst son than he's been a dad. 

We continued to work on the desk today. It just needs the shelves and another two layers of stain.... :D! 

Since pretty much this whole post is about Father's Day, I was wondering why Abraham was so "blessed" if he was a deadbeat.

Was it ok because God fathered poor little Ishmael?