Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tuesday

I AM NOT ASHAMED.

There's been an infestation of little roaches at my house for the past week! It's never been like this... I guess that is what we get for always joking around about one of my sister's old apartments. Haha, I remember we would make sure to go through her luggage and dust off every item in it before it entered our house... we were horrible. 


Anyway, I jogged today. I tried jogging on Friday and Saturday but I gave up so fast... Today though... I jogged for a whole hour and was kicked out of the park at exactly 1:00 hour into running... isn't that funny? Its actually not funny... not funny at all is what I would have told anybody if they used the silly "isn't it funny" small talk question. 



I'm only writing this down because it is the first time I reach my 4.0 mile jog. I've done 3.0... just once but I felt invincible today. I fought through the first 2.0 miles wanting to stop but afterwards... it was easy... my legs felt numb or accustomed to the pain and my lungs were doing a great job... I need to remember about that first 20/30 minute hurtle of pain. I'm no olympic runner... I ran extremely slow but I don't care. I set a new personal record and that's all that counts...

DOING YOUR PERSONAL BEST.

I have a problem with wanting what others have... I've always stopped going to the park because I've always hated when the Gazelle regulars passed my miserable Rhino short sprints that were full of exhausted puffs...  but they don't matter... it is not a race. Why compete with people who aren't even aware of a competition? How silly of me. 

I often thought, I want to be a runner... a runner like them... a fast runner who runs nonchalantly. A runner who runs fast without breaking a sweat or dying for air... like that dude in the movie, Land of Women. 

I also thought about being one of those joggers who jogs at a particular slow and steady pace... A jogger who is overlapped by a short distance jogger or runner and then comes back to win.... WIN! what? Win what? 

This is all foolish gibberish. I'm just trying to map out my thoughts... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out what my spirit is trying to tell me... these thoughts of constant comparison and jealousy. 

I need to repent for being so envious of people. 

I need to learn how to be happy for people. 

I have to stop being a bitter being. 

If I'm so happy about being alone all the time why am I bitter at the friendships that I see... everywhere? Why do I hate T.V. shows where certain characters have multiple friends? 

Why do I take things away from people when they are trying to relate to me? For example I constantly talk about loving solitude or being friendless with different people and as soon as they try to relate I try and steal that title away from them... because it is mine. (me, me, me, me... Adan's world... self-centeredness.)

I feel like I am the only one who is alone and I don't like sharing that with anyone. With some, it is almost as if I take pride in it because I see that they get to have a bond with at least one person while I open up very little here and there... and then with others I feel like they say, "I'm anti-social" or "I'm socially awkward" to be cool... It isn't cool. 

To anyone who's ever said they were anti-social/socially awkward, it isn't cool, its a damn curse. 

And to those who are genuinely honest, I am sorry for stealing the one thing we may have ever had in common away from you... I promise I will be a better listener. I promise I won't compare my level of loneliness to your level of loneliness because loneliness sucks sometimes and I don't want to make anyone feel lonelier which is what I do when I reject someones emotions... 

Alone time is a blast... but dosages should be taken wisely. 

School Starts Tomorrow.

I'm taking a John Milton course and a Philosophy (Logic) course. I still haven't received my grade for my short story & novella class... This professor has been hiding from me. 

ERIC M. WILLIAMSON
WANTED
Call 9566054..

I was going to do a "lost dog" but he tells people to google him the first day of class... and... I am registered to take another course with him... well saying I was going to do it is the same, now isn't it... 

I'm just mad because I showed up to meet with him and he didn't show up. I waited for 75 minutes. I called. I emailed. Bull. We read Joyce's The Dead and we discussed Gabriel Conroy's douche-ness. He was late. He bragged. He was completely full of himself... it is really comical. You should read it. 


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