Blop

Digging through drawers of years past, he comes across shame. 

The drawers close. 

Month resolution

February : write.

The start of a new era. Goodbye social media.

Yeah, right.

Breathe

Pinned to the floor like a bug under a rug. 

Waiting for something to be moved. 

A warmth. 

A scent. 

A dream. 

Nothing brings life to the pinned down bug. 

Not a bandaid. 

Not a prayer.

Unheard and unseen. 

 

Wild Fire

Ink is spilled and wasted like wormed dog food.

Every stroke is embroiled onto nothing.

Go.

Another page is in the process of deformation.

Just one of my aborted masterpieces, you are.

Ascend, be guided.

 

We’re not going anywhere.

Dear Mexico,

Your people have forgotten you and I am frustrated for you. I believe its stupid to deny the blood that has made us. Why don't people recognize you and embrace you, Mexico? We find it so much simpler to identify as a Hispanic or a Mexican American rather than Mexican.

I don't know if what I am doing keeps us from being a part of society... I don't know if this alienates us but succumbing to words that blend us in is a sign of victory to a country that doesn't appreciate us. A country that enjoys breaking our identity.


I am Mexican.

Philsophy of Nature

List of Books to consider if I wanted to teach the class...

Man was appointed by God to have dominion over the beast, and everything a man does to an animal is either a lawful exercise, or a sacrilegious abuse, of an authority by Divine right. The tame animal is therefore, in the deepest sense, the only ‘natural’ animal—the only one we see occupying the place it was made to occupy… - C.S. Lewis

If we cut up beasts simply because they cannot prevent us and because we are backing our own side in the struggle for existence, it is only logical to cut up imbeciles, criminals, enemies, or capitalists for the same reasons. - C. S. Lewis

1. The Problem of Pain (Chapter 9) C.S. Lewis

Graduation in 16 days!

almost there!

Aesthetics : 4.30.13 Final 15 page Research Paper

Nature : 4.30.13 Paper #3

Nature : 4.30.13 Bibliography assignment

American Philosophy : 5.7.13 final Project

Ethics : 5.7.13 Final Paper

Dystopian : TBA Final Exam

Philosophy is everywhere?

Complaining about reading and writing philosophy blinded me of something that was revealed last night as I wrote about my personal ideas about having a moral responsibility to people who live in extreme poverty. Yes, three months later but its never too late to understand what I learned.

After squeezing in my creative flare into a big chunk of my essay, I realized that writing with a purpose is what I needed in everything I have ever written. There's an art to the mundane but sometimes I desired to move people or offend them but I couldn't. In class as we discussed Gloria Anzaldua's Borderlands, a lot of people questioned whether Anzaldua should be considered philosophy. Many agreed that she wasn't. That she was clearly a folklorist and an artistic writer. I agreed instantly. She wasn't at all a philosopher because I finally felt at ease and comfortable.

There are clearly some philosophical ideas in Borderlands (as several of the excessive Talkers in class mentioned) but why weren't we giving her credit? Was it perhaps because she develops a style that masks what she wants to tell by creatively showing us through story? That's creative writing 101 for you, show don't tell... because it's boring! Personally, that's what I was missing all semester long. The only other writer whose form was admirable and poetic, in my opinion, was Henry D. T. There is something in Anzaldua's writing that I want to imitate because as creative as Borderlands may be in a philosophy class, the opening chapters are a collection of essays... period. There are philosophical ideas in a lot of things from art, poetry, music, politics, religion... Philosophy is everywhere! Actually, if philosophy is absent in writing then I believe its hard for the writing to be meaningful. There's a purpose in the Giving Tree, right? What about anything by Dostoevsky? Orwell's 1984 or Huxley's Brave New World? Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol to make people want to give to the poor. (We could have read that for ethics!) These are all novels and have philosophy somewhere embedded in them. It's our job to go from there. I don't understand what the fuss is about. Ease up on the analosity. Just enjoy Anzaldua and all her spiteful brilliance.

Poverty paper...

"What is your personal moral responsibility to people living in extreme poverty?"

Siamese Fighting Fish

Got my first fish on 3/24/13 with Nataly and Joseph. We named him Gideon. Means Destroyer or Mighty Warrior. Hope he stays alive and hope his fins grow.

God + Friends

This is gonna need some work. It is 2:33 am and i am writing with one eye open on my phone.

I sometimes want to break free. Ditch everyone and NOT be influenced by people. I want an organic spiritual relationship with God, One on one type of deal. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it... Not sure. But i spent sometime thinking about it.

One reason i wanted to part ways from people for a while is because i feel like i depend on people's walks rather than mine. Idk... Sort of like i am only walking with god for the sake of other people. However i thought about it some more and there is no way that is true. I have been alone. There was a time where i was the only person seeking God that i knew and i was still persistent in finding the walk. It was pretty wack but my faith was still there... Its just good to know that I have been at a place where i was alone and God still pushed me to find him.

This post deserves a lot more effort but i is tired.

2:40 am

Goodnight.

Oh. I have a crap more to say. I experienced some crap with border patrol that i wanted to document. I need to makewriting a priority again. I will. I will. I promise b

Children's Haven / Serving

In short, it looks like a visit to the children's home is not going to happen but you can slide to the very bottom and see other volunteering opportunities.

 

 

I woke up a little late but I was determined. I hate being late to meetings - yet, lately, it seems like something prevents me from being on time. More often than not, I decide to skip meetings if I am going to be late but on Monday, I made my way to Children’s Haven regardless of the time. I was a few minutes late but couldn’t find the place! Suddenly, my stomach began spinning. I raced to my sister’s house and used the restroom. I searched the web for the facility’s number and got a hold of the coordinator. I explained everything and made my way back… It still took me a while to find the place but finally found it!

I went in and met Randall and Betsy. The site was full boards with pictures of the kids. They reiterated that the children’s home was in Reynosa (that is what seemed super interesting to me). Several of the kids were in college. There was three brothers... two in college and one was a senior in High School and all had been with the home since 2000. Betsy got busy with a Winter Texan couple, so Randall showed me around the place.

We went to the back of the facility and there was a board with some of the kids who were no longer at the home. There was a board beside that one with “prayers” and another board with pictures of the kids when they were smaller. We made our way back to the front and Randall talked about the three foster couples/parents (Christian families) and talked a little of the director of the school that is open to 140+ students of the neighboring colonias.

We went into a room that was full of little antique home adornments? that were put up on eBay by one of the ladies. When we exited the room, I took a peek at the thrift shop. We went to the back where we can build cabinets and other small things for the children. We walked by another shack that had tons of oranges that were donated. Then to a little kitchen where some of the ladies bake cookies and cakes for the kids. We went into a final room that had three Winter Texans sorting out bags of donated clothes. One of the ladies explained to me that there was three piles: Clothes for the thrift stores, Clothes for the Children and Clothes for the trash. She went to the back and moved a floral curtain that had hundreds of black bags piled to the roof. She told me that the reason why there is so much is because they accept all donations all year long but there isn’t enough time to sort things out during the few months they are in the RGV. There were a few refrigerators in that room they had a few cakes in them and tons of bottled hand squeezed orange and grapefruit juice. When we left that room I saw their property… full of grass that Randall cuts by himself.

It made me sad that Winter Texans are willing to do this work… where are we? What are we doing? There are so many opportunities to serve. These Winter Texans epitomize (in a literal sense) the verse, "the spirit is willing but the body is weak." LET'S GET INVOLVED!

Betsy and Randall thought that a trip to Reynosa would be great… to see where everything that happens at the US site goes to… I left thinking that I was going to have a meeting with Destino and talk about a possible trip to Reynosa on Thursday.

 

I tried setting up a meeting but never really got to it. A few days later (minutes apart) two friends texted me about the violence in Reynosa. It was extremely random, I had not mentioned anything to either of them. It didn’t really scare me however it made me think about the process and I feel like I need to settle down about some things and pray for God’s will to be done rather than act like a bull and irrationally charge at things. I hope I do get to visit soon but even if it isn’t soon, there is tons of need. Join me…

Want to serve?

Serving opportunites at Children’s Haven:

1.)    Sorting clothes after the Winter Texans go home (April - fall)

2.)    Bake cookies and cakes for the kids

3.)    Help build things (construction)

4.)    Make use of the donated fruit

5.)    Help out at the thrift shop (cashier)

6.)    Help unload/load

 

7.)   Yard work

8.)    Make a visit to Reynosa and coordinate a “camping” feel retreat where you can reach the kids of the school not just the kids at the home.

Spring Break

It is finally here. I feel so at ease yet, I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to get on top of things.

This coming Monday I am going to dedicate my time to study for an exam that is on Tuesday of the week following break. I am also going to visit a children's home to try and connect Destino with them. Hopefully we can do a project with them soon. (Orphanage is in Reynosa!)

I've got things to do. A week to work hard. A week to look and find a job. I took the substitute class but applications that are being turned in aren't valid till fall 2013... so 60 bucks wasted right there because in the fall, I will already have my bachelors... I can use that to sub... but hopefully I will be a certified teacher with www.texasteachers.org

Anyway... I will worry about that when time comes. For now, I am going to shut off from everyone. No cell phones, Facebook, Twitter...

On my way home from the show/hangout tonight, I felt a little... I don't know... dependent. It seems odd... but man... I want to thrive on my own flame not on anyone else's. I need prayer for that. I feel like I wouldn't have God without community and that isn't right. I need a personal relationship with the father.

My priorities need a lot of fixing. Only until I help myself will I be able to help others.

10 Minute Blog : Simplicity

I have two philosophy classes with the same professor. (I don’t know if this is a good thing… quite yet.) However, today I felt that it might be good. During ethics, we talked about the philosophy school of Stoicism; which was sort of like accepting things as they come because of determinism (I instantly thought about Calvinism) and only caring for things that are both natural and necessary. Later, in American Philosophy, we were reading Walden by Henry D. Thoreau in which Thoreau is writing about a two year and two month project where he left civilization and only cared for the extreme necessities of life. During class discussion, we were talking about materialism and what we thought about it and it seemed to me that some people didn’t want to acknowledge that the term was bad (makes this even sadder). I personally think that materialistic people are sad. I feel bad for people who are consumed by materialistic things. I’ve heard some people say that they are living a “minimalist” lifestyle but only because they don’t have the resources to pamper themselves and indulge in things that will temporarily make them happy. So, they aren’t doing it by choice, they’re basically enslaved and bitter.

Getting my MacBook Pro stolen last summer taught me a lot.

My goals in life are to teach and tell my students about Jesus

or

live in an RV, travel the world and tell the world about Jesus.

A bunch of Crap!

Tuesday

11:37 PM

I went to Pan Am’s recreation center to play basketball at about 8:15 PM. I realized how out of shape I am. Well, not like I didn’t already know. I actually just tried to modify my diet this Saturday but today just confirmed everything. My health is one of the things I don’t really think too much about yet; it is logically stupid of me to think that way. I’ve been reading Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky for my class in Dystopian Literature. I actually read it this past summer on my own but now I’m actually forced to do a more close reading of the text and I am also forced to listen to every idea my old ass professor has about the text. Anyway, my point about mentioning the book is that the Underground man or, the narrator, says that it is completely foolish for man to do anything that is harmful to him. He says that he knows this, and that it is wisdom he feels responsible to share or just do something about. He talks a lot about free will and the value of choice. The weight of responsibility that these choices have is overwhelming and that man, because of free will is going to rebel in one way or another. I caught the basketball behind the three point line. I put it on the floor and drove around with all my weight and spirit and jumped up to lay the basketball near the hoop. When I landed, my claves started to cramp up. Not only that, but my knee is jacked up. It’s been in pain for a month now. I had stopped playing ball, in hopes of it getting better. One month has passed and the pain remains. I am not going to go under any particular diet or exercise plan, out of spite. (Underground man reference) I am going to do my own thing and hopefully the pain on my knee goes away. It worked for Tim Duncan. Let’s see what happens.

On another note, I am taking four philosophy classes this semester. I am not a big fan of philosophy but it was the minor that I needed the least amount of classes for so I went for it. Well, three weeks in and I wish I would have chosen Border Studies or something else, but I will write more about that later. The damn library's computers are about to shut down. In a minute and some seconds. ahhhh, rebel.

11:43 PM

#DWC2013

Friday – 18

                I was in bed, scrolling down Instagram and twitter, avoiding the books, clothes, shoes, and toothbrush I needed to pack for the weekend. Time to pack for my third Winter Conference had finally arrived. I was excited to spend time with my UTPA team and couldn’t wait to get to San Antonio to spend time with the most genuine girl I’ve ever met, Stephanie! It was eleven and I needed to go by our good friend, Jocelyn’s house to pick up Stephanie’s abandoned guitar. I packed as fast as I could and headed to Jocelyn’s.

                When I got home, my parents were on their way to the Laundromat but I stopped them and told them I needed to be dropped off at Wal-Mart.  

                We arrived at Chili’s, we sat and got some waters. Stephanie stormed through the restaurant doors, high-fiving, hugging and making other hand gestures I am not even going to try to explain. I learned so much from Stephanie and I’ve never told her. I had met her on my first Destino Winter Conference. Back then, that was the most awkward bus ride ever. I hadn’t sat down with anyone to converse before the trip other than Jocelyn. Sure, I’d seen them before and had small talk with just about all of them, but they made me uncomfortable because I knew none of them knew my spatial boundaries. That conference, is a blurry gust, but I do remember being extremely anti-social with the people from my campus.

                When we got back home from that conference, I had class the next day. I went to my morning classes and came home for lunch and didn’t go back to school. Two days later I had the same schedule and I ran into Stephanie by the Student Union. We quickly talked about our schedules. We both had Algebra – same time, day and professor! We met and quizzed each other and tried to remember formulas. That class was crap but I got to know Steph.

I saw the way she supported her friends. I saw the way she stepped up with the movement. She continued to serve when every one of the old leaders were popping like melting balloons on summer fences. I saw how she encouraged both, hard work and rest. I saw her commitment to Crossfit. I saw her be the best lab attendant of Pan-Am.

We arrived a bit late and saw Pan-Am’s own Steven Silva killin’ it with SA staff, Anthony Lopez as MC.

I spent a few minutes meeting people with Jeff.  After being ignored, we sat down. People were approaching us now. There was a lamp separating me and a cool dude from Cali. When he asked about who I was, I instantly knew what to say.  I am a writer. I write to glorify god. We talked about the gift god gives us, and what makes a gift, a gift. We agreed that being good at it isn’t what makes it a gift. Delighting and enjoying something is what makes a gift, a gift. He was studying nursing. I walked away but he called me over to meet Betsy Jacob, one of the coolest girls from Florida! He said, “She’s a writer, he’s a writer. Betsy, Adan. Adan, Betsy. Gotta, go guys, see you guys around the conference.”

I sat down and we had about an hour long conversation about writing. Somehow it changed to singing. We then talked about singing. We saw Jules walk down the hall with her guitar but we never got up cause we were still talking about different things. When we decided to look for Jules, she was by the stairs but we didn’t know. So, we started singing at a different place. Emanuel heard us and came with his guitar. Then David joined us. We switched spots and Jules and her sister joined us.

I went to bed at about 3 but didn’t sleep a minute. One of my roommates was awake on his computer so I had a headphone stuck inside my ear. The only dream cloud that day came just before my alarm came on at 6 am.

Saturday – 19

                Randy and I had breakfast with Janet. She talked about all the old leaders she knew from Pan-Am.

We went to Rudy’s. All 350 of us at the conference went. I sat with the students from my campus, Brent Randy and Matt to my left and Cassie and Stephanie to my right. Further to the right were staff leaders from Colorado. I listened to them talk about the mountains, trees and their backyard. I listened while they conversed about a possible internship for Stephanie. Wow, I really want Steph to come back to the Valley and intern alongside Brent and possibly myself in the future but Colorado would be an epic journey for my friend.

                When we got back to the hotel, I went into a seminar about music. I understood nothing. Then, I learned about Art & Faith. I enjoyed being there. I was with Gabby from Pan Am and my new friend Betsy from Florida International University. I was with Artists. Alyssa from Cal. Singers, poets, painters… I could have been with them all weekend. The seminar speaker introduced internship and summer project opportunities, writing for four to five days in a studio, developing my craft, learning how to project truth in clever ways.

                10 minutes before midnight Jeff, Randy, Betsy and Jules went up for open-mic night. It was pretty frightening and cool.

Sunday – 20

Jeff’s Birthday/Evangelizing Day!

                On evangelizing day, I was partnered with Carlos from UT-Brownsville. Most of us from UTPA were going to UTSA. I was a little bitter. Everyone always goes to these emotional places and for 3 years in a row, I don’t.

                Carlos and I walked around UTSA and got turned down several times. We walked up to four High School students who were there for orchestra practice. They were in a 15 minute break. So I tried to be quick… we did end up telling them who the bible says Jesus is. By the end of Saturday I knew I wanted to be a part of some type of High School ministry. (CRU High School!) I enjoy all these slapdowns after I limit the Holy Spirit’s work. I don’t know how the lives of McTai, Niko, Taylor and Nicole have been touched. My future hasn’t been clearer.

Monday – 21

For so long I’ve debated in my mind that the American dream needs to be pursued. In one way or the other, I need to make money to support someone. But, I can’t think that way. I’m not American, I am part of the kingdom before anything. My responsibility to God comes before everything. Perhaps I am ambitionless when it comes to materialistic things and money but I am ambitious to be a tool for God. America can tell me I’m selfish all it wants. I know where my identity lies.

              I am not reckless.

I want to be a teacher and kick off CRU High School.

I want to do summer projects.

I want to intern part-time at Pan-Am.

I want to glorify God in everything I do.

Tuesday – 22

                Stephanie got a third offer to intern at yet another place! Anyone will be lucky to have her on their team. I want to persuade her to intern in the Valley but like I said, she’s taught me to support any decision my friends make.

 



Steady

For the most part, it is steady. But

January was wet and under forty degrees. The fortunate

Were beating themselves up for their failed resolutions. They

were beating themselves up because the rain and the cold carried misery.

They’d given up.

Those who don’t give up are real Mexicanos. They are

Undocumented jardineros who need to trim rosales before the

magic Valley begins to birth anything in its soil

They are faithful vendederos from the Pulga who stay in their cars because the market is empty.

Those who don’t give up is an old, white bearded negrito

                Who sits on an upside-down empty-five gallon-chapapote can in his shed.

Preaching to puddles that gurgle soda cans,

Preaching about an enslaved life he doesn’t wish to forget

because it will make the one to come much sweeter.

The trees and the grass here never lose color.

obscure?

"If a writer knows enough about what he is writing about, he may omit things that he knows. The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one ninth of it being above water."

 

- Ernest Hemingway

POV

My blog. My framing.

 

Human life itself may be almost pure chaos, but the work of the artist — the only thing he's good for — is to take these handfuls of confusion and disparate things, things that seem to be irreconcilable, and put them together in a frame to give them some kind of shape and meaning. Even if it's only his view of a meaning. That's what he's for — to give his view of life.

 

-Katherine Anne Porter

identity

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

 

-e.e. cummings

No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne